WE'VE LOST THE "EXTRA" IN EXTRACURRICULARS

    

 Is there anything more thrilling than watching your child kill it while playing the sport he or she loves?  You know what I mean … a buzzer-beater in a crucial basketball game, a beautiful long pass with a perfect spiral … one of those loud, resounding hits that win the tiebreaker set in volleyball??   Ain’t nothing like it nowhere, as they say at our favorite BBQ place!  So if you read this, please know that it is written by someone who loves youth sports, raised some varsity and college athletes,  and is fully invested in whatever sports  season it happens to be! I’ve got all the appropriate “Mom of # ___” shirts to prove it.  Earrings too.

                But we parents have let the thrill of competition cloud our good judgment when it comes to making important decisions in the lives of our kids.  It is crucial for us parents to help our kids keep the right focus, the right perspective…

                 Sports are EXTRAcurricular, that means “in addition to.”  They are the add-ons to our children’s educations, not the driving force, not the reason for its existence.  There has to be something more in our kids’ lives than the sports they love.  It is up to us to make sure that our children are well-rounded and well-grounded.   We all agree with that in theory, but then we don’t parent that way.  Consider some real-life scenarios I’ve encountered in my 25 years as a parent:

·         Choosing a school based primarily on the sports program.

When choosing middle schools or high schools, we should focus on where our children can receive the very best Catholic education, and if they also have an amazing sports program, then great!  If they don’t, then your kid can be a true asset to that program and learn how to be a leader, even when it’s tough-going.  How sad to forfeit four years of daily theology, opportunities for retreats, Mass, Adoration, and Confession for the sake of carrying the ball for a few years.  What is going to benefit them more in the long-term?  Missing out on a Catholic high school education handicaps your child with a grade-school understanding of his or her faith, and in this crazy world, that’s simply not enough.

·         Selecting easier classes than recommended.

Same goes with selecting a course of study for our high-schoolers.  I hear all the time from parents who have purposely chosen an easier academic schedule than recommended so that their children “will have more time for X sport, and then won’t be too tired.”  I want to scream.  First of all, my own parents always preached that tired teenagers are a good thing!  It keeps them out of trouble.  If they come home exhausted, gut through some homework, then fall in to bed, then praise the Lord!  The alternative of watching TikToks all night or texting until dawn is no good for anyone. (And this IS what happens – take a peek in your child’s room at 2 am and see.)  Fast forward to junior year and these same parents are dismayed that ACT scores are so low and they are out of range for some of the most basic financial aid or scholarships.  What do you expect to happen if you allow your kids an easier path and they have never had to grapple with hard readings or complicated math problems?  Of course the scores are lower.  Then parents spend big bucks on ACT prep classes, which can help certainly, but they cannot replace three years of challenging course work.  We’ve all gone a little crazy, haven’t we?  And that’s not even considering what happens in college if they haven’t developed good study habits because they coasted through high school.

·         Not developing other gifts and talents.

Parents, please hear me:  Their lives have to be more than just their sport. They need friends from all different groups and especially their parish youth group.  They need encouragement to develop other interests, gifts,  and talents.  Let’s be realistic:  they are only one injury away from having to sit out, and then what happens?  My own son Peter, a pretty good middle school quarterback, was in the running to be freshman quarterback when he started high school.  He practiced all summer long through grueling heat, through early morning workouts, truly shedding his blood, sweat, and tears - and the week before the very first game, when it was finally going to get fun, he suffered a severe hamstring injury.  He hobbled around in pain and was out for 6 weeks, which made him miss most of the season and lose his starting spot.  That can be devastating for a young man, and without his team he could have felt very isolated and depressed.  (Tom has witnessed this struggle multiple times in his injured high school students.) Thank the Lord Peter had friends in his youth group that he could still hang with, plus his Physics team and those intense competitions.  He didn’t feel as if his life was over at the old age of 14.

Same with my volleyball player, Emma.  A few days before the area tournament, she rolled her ankle rather severely.  (I honestly had never seen a foot swell up that much – it was horrifying.)  She was out for a month and didn’t make it into the state final championship game.  Of course she was extremely disappointed but her life didn’t end.

Developing other interests doesn’t just happen.  We parents have to urge that along, usually starting in elementary grades.  Does your child have a good voice and enjoy singing?  Insist that they join a choir when they’re young, and that gift will be with them their whole life.  Our high school director loves to have football players in her choir, and she makes it work with their schedules somehow.  Are they artistic?  Good at acting?  Get them in the theater.

When they’re old enough for their parish youth group, insist that they go.  Don’t even make it a question.  (For teens you must understand Newton’s First Law of Motion:  an object at rest will stay at rest until an external force is enacted upon it.  In other words, on their own, kids are staying put and not going to try anything new!  WE have to be that “external force” and get them there.)  A good parish youth minister can change a teen’s life - my older kids still stay in touch with theirs – so do whatever is necessary to develop that relationship.

·    Making Sports the Center of our Family Life.

    We parents every once in a while need to stop and evaluate our family dynamics.  How much time, energy, effort, and money is going toward our children’s sports, and are we devoting equal passion and time to their education and their faith life?  Are we making sure we are attending Mass every Sunday (even during travel ball!)?  Listen, a coach’s job is to win, and they are under pressure to do so, and I totally get it.  But sometimes we parents have acquiesced too much, especially in the younger years.    

     Some of our own children have been involved in some kind of club/travel team for 15 years now, and we have never, not once, had to miss Sunday Mass – or a weekend game!  Sometimes they’ve missed a team meal on Saturday night so that we could attend a vigil Mass, and sometimes they may be late to early morning  warm-ups, but if you are creative and make it a priority, it can be done!  Tom usually tells the coach right after the team has been selected that we will be taking our player to Mass on Sunday, and we will do our best not to miss a game, but Mass is the priority.  Fifteen years of coaches have been great about it.  Our kids fondly remember visiting all kinds of churches all over the country , and so far, each one of our young adults out on their own has made Sunday Mass a priority in their lives now too. (Thank you, Jesus.)

When Emma was on her first club volleyball team at age 12, we learned that most clubs attend a huge tournament every year over Easter weekend, including Holy Thursday and Good Friday.  That was not OK with us, and we thought, wow if she does this throughout high school, that means she cannot attend Triduum services again until she is 19!  That was definitely not OK with us!  Then there was the family element too – were we really going to leave my mom every Easter for the next 6 years?  So once again, we tried to clearly communicate to the coaches before the season started that we were not available Easter weekend, so we understand if you need to reduce her playing time or whatever. We’ve done that every year since.   I don’t think the coaches are exactly thrilled - Clubs are under great pressure to attend these big, recruiting tourneys - but they respect it and are glad we clearly communicate about it in the very beginning.

When the kids reach varsity, of course there needs to be more focus and commitment.  Sacrifices must be made! There will be things that elite athletes must forgo because their teammates are counting on them.  But I don’t believe when a child is 11 or 12 he or she is ready to specialize in just one thing.  They need to have freedom to explore.  They shouldn’t have to drop dance or choir or piano just because they also play a middle school sport!  This takes lots of clear communication with the coaches, but sometimes parents need to be brave and step up.  I am NOT saying that we don’t send Johnny to practice because he’s hot and tired and doesn’t want to go! (Or we parents really wanna drive up to the weekend college football game!)   Whether it is marching band practice or football practice, sometimes it is simply hard work and not fun.  That’s the blessing of extra-curriculars – the children can learn discipline and commitment and the importance of doing the right thing, no matter how you feel at the moment.  But there are times when we may need to insist that our kids attend an important alternate activity … perhaps a Confirmation retreat, or a summer Lifeteen camp experience, or a mission trip.  These events can be life-changing and should be encouraged.  In 10 years they may or may not remember the game or workout  that they missed, but they WILL remember encountering Christ in a real way when they were 12.

And that’s all for now, my friends.  I have to pick up my youngest at middle school volleyball practice! 

DEVASTATING NEWS FOR THIS TEACHER, updated

John Paul with his classmates on a recent 8th retreat trip to Camp Hidden Lakes, GA. Another amazing opportunity he received through our Catholic school...

Each year I grow more and more grateful for the gift of Catholic education in my own life and in the lives of my five children.  As we celebrate Catholic Schools Week I was reminded of an old blog post that I wrote -- for myself actually; it was cathartic to put my thoughts down in writing.  My big brother outed me, so here it is again; this time with an addendum since John Paul is now in high school, three years later ….

It’s that time of the year when some of my students tell me they’re not returning to our Catholic school.  I always give them a hug and tell them I’ll miss them.  But interiorly, I’m devastated.  As someone who has spent a lifetime in a Catholic school classroom - either sitting in a desk or standing behind a podium  -  it makes me deeply, deeply sad.  And quite frankly - mystified.  I know that no school of any kind is perfect:   principals and teachers have good days and bad … some teachers are excellent and some ho-hum … I homeschooled for 15 years and I can assure you that was not perfect either!!!   But I cannot think of what benefit could outweigh the myriad blessings that come from a Catholic education.  I’ve personally witnessed this is in my own life, in the lives of my 5 children, and in the lives of my students.   I honestly don’t think parents have a true understanding of what their kids will be missing. 

There are plenty of scholarly articles out there with stats on and figures on the excellence of Catholic education (superior test scores, graduates that are civically involved, etc).  I encourage everyone to do their research and read them.   But here in this space I would simply like to focus on the effects on my own John Paul, about to start 8^th grade.  His education (and especially his faith life) would be so lacking without the experiences he has gained in our Catholic school.  Here’s just a small sampling of what he would have missed:

·         Opportunities to assist at Mass.  Weekly school Masses bring innumerable opportunities for kids to lector, bring up the gifts, usher, and especially to serve at the altar.  John Paul and his peers are often asked to serve at funerals during the week, which is a wonderful way to live out the Works of Mercy to “Bury the dead” and “Pray for the living and the dead.”  It also reminds them of their own mortality – never a bad thing for a teenager!

·         Immersion in a life of prayer.  The Catholic school day revolves around prayer and the sacraments.  John Paul would have missed out on quarterly confessions, weekly Adoration, weekly Mass, class rosaries, Stations of the Cross, May Crownings, and more.  Since prayers are frequently recited, they are learned effortlessly.  In our school, for example, we pray the same morning prayer for a month, so by the end of the month the entire school (even the littlest ones) can recite beautiful prayers like St. Ignatius’ Prayer for Generosity, the Suscipe, the  Anima Christi, St. Francis’ Prayer for Peace, St. Patrick’s Breastplate, the Act of Faith, The Morning Offering, and on and on.  We didn’t come close to memorizing that many prayers as homeschoolers.  These prayers will stay with my kids their whole lives.

·         Participation in Middle School Prayer Groups.  John Paul has been part of the Young Men of St. Joseph that meets before school for breakfast and to read and discuss the upcoming Sunday Gospel.  (The girls have their own equivalent group.)  He also joined Lifesavers, a middle school peer-led pro-life group that meets at 6:30 am at Planned Parenthood on Fridays during the Forty Days for Life campaign.   They pray the Rosary and listen to a speaker on some important life issue.  These unique experiences have helped his faith mature.

Add uniforms to the list of Catholic school benefits!

·         Reliance on God in Times of Crisis.  In a Catholic school, we come together in times of crisis, and this is engrained in students their entire lives, whether they fall away or remain faithful.  Whenever there is a tragedy like the attack on 9-11 or a sudden death, we stop everything and go to Mass or pray the Rosary as a school.  What a powerful life lesson!  Recently, we had a tragic death of a young college student who had gone to our grade school.  Who showed up front and center at the funeral and Rosary but her many Catholic grade school friends, some of whom may not have kept in touch over the years.  There was something about their Catholic school formation that drew them there.

·         Friendship with Clergy.  With so many bad examples currently blasted all over the media, I am grateful that John Paul is on a first-name basis with holy, excellent priests and religious.  We are blessed to have 5 seminarians from our parish - graduates of our grade school.  On breaks they always come by to hang out:  they eat lunch with us, play basketball games at PE, speak during religion classes, assist at school Masses.  Seminary life seems normal – and actually pretty cool -  to our middle schoolers as a result.  John Paul would have missed out on all this if not enrolled in our school.

·         Instruction in our Catholic Faith.  Of course religion classes are crucial.  John Paul was in a good CCD program when younger, but there is absolutely no comparison to what he’s learned in the Catholic school classroom.  We are fooling ourselves if we think CCD is a worthy substitute – and I say that as a former CCD teacher myself!  Just consider that the best CCD classes out there may meet 36 times, for roughly 36 hours of instruction per year (That’s 4 times a month for 9 months).  Compare that to 180 hours of direct religious instruction for the Catholic school kid, not counting all the other instruction received throughout the school day mentioned above.  It’s no wonder that only 5% of kids who don’t go to Catholic school will attend Sunday Mass as adults.  They have no idea of what they’re missing because they haven’t been sufficiently taught! 

My husband urges parents to substitute any other subject for religion, and ask if they’d be satisfied with the CCD model of instruction:  “I agree that Algebra I is important, but I think one hour a week is sufficient, with a volunteer teacher who may or may not be trained in the subject.  We’ll talk about it some at home too.”  Of course that would be absurd, and to think it’s not also absurd for religious instruction means that we don’t yet fully grasp the depths and riches of our Catholic faith.

But what about when I homeschooled John Paul?  It was a great joy to instruct him in the faith everyday – we used to sit on my bed and read and discuss chapters in his religion text, plus read lots of saint stories and do fun projects designed to help us live out the liturgical year.  I loved every second – and he loved it too.  But there comes a time, right around middle school, where my boys especially needed to hear from other role models, besides my husband or me.  I could literally feel them tuning Mom out.  But suddenly, their amazing religion teacher says the very same thing and it takes on a whole new life.  I’ve focused primarily on grade school here, but this crossroads in faith instruction was magnified a hundred-fold once my kids reached Catholic high school.  The Theology teachers and our campus ministers’ influence on my 3 older kids’ faith has been transformative; the retreats they sponsored, life-changing.  When my oldest son delivered his valedictory address he thanked exactly three people:  one was his physics teacher, a great Catholic man whose guidance set my son on his current career path, and the other two were our campus minister and priest chaplain.  What a void would exist in his life if he hadn’t benefited from their presence and guidance day in and day out, over four years, not just once a week for an hour or two at night for youth group.    

Some of my dear friends opting for private or public schools have told me, “Well I went there and I turned out all right!”  Seriously, y’all, that was in a different era.  It is simply not the same.  My Mom tells of her excellent public school education in the 1950s in Auburn, AL.  But all her teachers and principals shared a basic belief in God and similar world-view.  The virtues were taught and insisted upon.  Today what is true is taught as bigotry; the curricula are antagonistic toward any type of faith -  or even the very idea of objective truth.  My pastor preached one Sunday that it’s like we’ve all fallen through Alice in Wonderland’s rabbit hole, and the world is upside down.  (And for the record, my Mom and Dad sent us all to Catholic schools because they knew this to be true 30 years ago – and it’s even more true today!)

It is incredibly difficult to emerge from that nihilistic world-view unscathed, and if this were a more scholarly treatise, I would argue that any education resulting from that faulty understanding of man and creation is seriously, deeply flawed.  Now more than ever we need our kids in Catholic schools --  not to shield them from the world but to arm them with the Truth.

Addendum for 2022:

Well if I wasn't convinced of the value of Catholic education before Covid Craziness, I sure am now.  Miracles were surely worked to keep our schools open and our kids learning.  But that's not even what I want to write about.  I just feel so strongly about the need for strong, daily catechesis in our Catholic faith.  If the world was upside down 3 years ago when I first wrote this, it has since done about 3 somersaults!  I think we all worry for the future of our children and instinctively sense that we need to do more.  To grade school parents, please hear me:  if you pull your kids out of Catholic schools before high school, you're handicapping their faith formation for the rest of their lives!  They are leaving with just a middle school understanding of their faith, and that is simply not enough to combat what they are about to face.  (I can say this with surety because I teach middle school religion!)  Catholic author Flannery O'Connor wrote that we have to push as hard against the culture as it pushes on us.  It's a tidal wave, y'all!  Please keep them in Catholic schools so that they don't drown in the confusion of the world.

 

Addendum #2 for 2022: My own kids are proof of the academic excellence of our Catholic schools:  thanks to their intense instruction and formation I have had two at Notre Dame and one at Franciscan, attending there for next to nothing.  (Thank you, McGill-Toolen Catholic High School!)  All three say they felt very well- prepared.

Local friends:  please feel free to message me if you'd like to chat more about the 4 amazing Catholic schools my children currently attend.