WE'VE LOST THE "EXTRA" IN EXTRACURRICULARS

    

 Is there anything more thrilling than watching your child kill it while playing the sport he or she loves?  You know what I mean … a buzzer-beater in a crucial basketball game, a beautiful long pass with a perfect spiral … one of those loud, resounding hits that win the tiebreaker set in volleyball??   Ain’t nothing like it nowhere, as they say at our favorite BBQ place!  So if you read this, please know that it is written by someone who loves youth sports, raised some varsity and college athletes,  and is fully invested in whatever sports  season it happens to be! I’ve got all the appropriate “Mom of # ___” shirts to prove it.  Earrings too.

                But we parents have let the thrill of competition cloud our good judgment when it comes to making important decisions in the lives of our kids.  It is crucial for us parents to help our kids keep the right focus, the right perspective…

                 Sports are EXTRAcurricular, that means “in addition to.”  They are the add-ons to our children’s educations, not the driving force, not the reason for its existence.  There has to be something more in our kids’ lives than the sports they love.  It is up to us to make sure that our children are well-rounded and well-grounded.   We all agree with that in theory, but then we don’t parent that way.  Consider some real-life scenarios I’ve encountered in my 25 years as a parent:

·         Choosing a school based primarily on the sports program.

When choosing middle schools or high schools, we should focus on where our children can receive the very best Catholic education, and if they also have an amazing sports program, then great!  If they don’t, then your kid can be a true asset to that program and learn how to be a leader, even when it’s tough-going.  How sad to forfeit four years of daily theology, opportunities for retreats, Mass, Adoration, and Confession for the sake of carrying the ball for a few years.  What is going to benefit them more in the long-term?  Missing out on a Catholic high school education handicaps your child with a grade-school understanding of his or her faith, and in this crazy world, that’s simply not enough.

·         Selecting easier classes than recommended.

Same goes with selecting a course of study for our high-schoolers.  I hear all the time from parents who have purposely chosen an easier academic schedule than recommended so that their children “will have more time for X sport, and then won’t be too tired.”  I want to scream.  First of all, my own parents always preached that tired teenagers are a good thing!  It keeps them out of trouble.  If they come home exhausted, gut through some homework, then fall in to bed, then praise the Lord!  The alternative of watching TikToks all night or texting until dawn is no good for anyone. (And this IS what happens – take a peek in your child’s room at 2 am and see.)  Fast forward to junior year and these same parents are dismayed that ACT scores are so low and they are out of range for some of the most basic financial aid or scholarships.  What do you expect to happen if you allow your kids an easier path and they have never had to grapple with hard readings or complicated math problems?  Of course the scores are lower.  Then parents spend big bucks on ACT prep classes, which can help certainly, but they cannot replace three years of challenging course work.  We’ve all gone a little crazy, haven’t we?  And that’s not even considering what happens in college if they haven’t developed good study habits because they coasted through high school.

·         Not developing other gifts and talents.

Parents, please hear me:  Their lives have to be more than just their sport. They need friends from all different groups and especially their parish youth group.  They need encouragement to develop other interests, gifts,  and talents.  Let’s be realistic:  they are only one injury away from having to sit out, and then what happens?  My own son Peter, a pretty good middle school quarterback, was in the running to be freshman quarterback when he started high school.  He practiced all summer long through grueling heat, through early morning workouts, truly shedding his blood, sweat, and tears - and the week before the very first game, when it was finally going to get fun, he suffered a severe hamstring injury.  He hobbled around in pain and was out for 6 weeks, which made him miss most of the season and lose his starting spot.  That can be devastating for a young man, and without his team he could have felt very isolated and depressed.  (Tom has witnessed this struggle multiple times in his injured high school students.) Thank the Lord Peter had friends in his youth group that he could still hang with, plus his Physics team and those intense competitions.  He didn’t feel as if his life was over at the old age of 14.

Same with my volleyball player, Emma.  A few days before the area tournament, she rolled her ankle rather severely.  (I honestly had never seen a foot swell up that much – it was horrifying.)  She was out for a month and didn’t make it into the state final championship game.  Of course she was extremely disappointed but her life didn’t end.

Developing other interests doesn’t just happen.  We parents have to urge that along, usually starting in elementary grades.  Does your child have a good voice and enjoy singing?  Insist that they join a choir when they’re young, and that gift will be with them their whole life.  Our high school director loves to have football players in her choir, and she makes it work with their schedules somehow.  Are they artistic?  Good at acting?  Get them in the theater.

When they’re old enough for their parish youth group, insist that they go.  Don’t even make it a question.  (For teens you must understand Newton’s First Law of Motion:  an object at rest will stay at rest until an external force is enacted upon it.  In other words, on their own, kids are staying put and not going to try anything new!  WE have to be that “external force” and get them there.)  A good parish youth minister can change a teen’s life - my older kids still stay in touch with theirs – so do whatever is necessary to develop that relationship.

·    Making Sports the Center of our Family Life.

    We parents every once in a while need to stop and evaluate our family dynamics.  How much time, energy, effort, and money is going toward our children’s sports, and are we devoting equal passion and time to their education and their faith life?  Are we making sure we are attending Mass every Sunday (even during travel ball!)?  Listen, a coach’s job is to win, and they are under pressure to do so, and I totally get it.  But sometimes we parents have acquiesced too much, especially in the younger years.    

     Some of our own children have been involved in some kind of club/travel team for 15 years now, and we have never, not once, had to miss Sunday Mass – or a weekend game!  Sometimes they’ve missed a team meal on Saturday night so that we could attend a vigil Mass, and sometimes they may be late to early morning  warm-ups, but if you are creative and make it a priority, it can be done!  Tom usually tells the coach right after the team has been selected that we will be taking our player to Mass on Sunday, and we will do our best not to miss a game, but Mass is the priority.  Fifteen years of coaches have been great about it.  Our kids fondly remember visiting all kinds of churches all over the country , and so far, each one of our young adults out on their own has made Sunday Mass a priority in their lives now too. (Thank you, Jesus.)

When Emma was on her first club volleyball team at age 12, we learned that most clubs attend a huge tournament every year over Easter weekend, including Holy Thursday and Good Friday.  That was not OK with us, and we thought, wow if she does this throughout high school, that means she cannot attend Triduum services again until she is 19!  That was definitely not OK with us!  Then there was the family element too – were we really going to leave my mom every Easter for the next 6 years?  So once again, we tried to clearly communicate to the coaches before the season started that we were not available Easter weekend, so we understand if you need to reduce her playing time or whatever. We’ve done that every year since.   I don’t think the coaches are exactly thrilled - Clubs are under great pressure to attend these big, recruiting tourneys - but they respect it and are glad we clearly communicate about it in the very beginning.

When the kids reach varsity, of course there needs to be more focus and commitment.  Sacrifices must be made! There will be things that elite athletes must forgo because their teammates are counting on them.  But I don’t believe when a child is 11 or 12 he or she is ready to specialize in just one thing.  They need to have freedom to explore.  They shouldn’t have to drop dance or choir or piano just because they also play a middle school sport!  This takes lots of clear communication with the coaches, but sometimes parents need to be brave and step up.  I am NOT saying that we don’t send Johnny to practice because he’s hot and tired and doesn’t want to go! (Or we parents really wanna drive up to the weekend college football game!)   Whether it is marching band practice or football practice, sometimes it is simply hard work and not fun.  That’s the blessing of extra-curriculars – the children can learn discipline and commitment and the importance of doing the right thing, no matter how you feel at the moment.  But there are times when we may need to insist that our kids attend an important alternate activity … perhaps a Confirmation retreat, or a summer Lifeteen camp experience, or a mission trip.  These events can be life-changing and should be encouraged.  In 10 years they may or may not remember the game or workout  that they missed, but they WILL remember encountering Christ in a real way when they were 12.

And that’s all for now, my friends.  I have to pick up my youngest at middle school volleyball practice! 

HOW MUCH IS TOO MUCH???

John Paul & Elizabeth Ann just quite can't wake up this lazy Saturday morning!

Fall can be exhausting for Moms and Dads.  There are football games and volleyball tournaments, choir practices and band rehearsals.  Add in a little homework with carpooling on the side, and it’s quite the full life.  Often before bed, Tom and I look at each other and say, “OK, what’s happening tomorrow?” as we carefully plan out who’s driving whom to what corner of Mobile.  Our family calendar on the wall is so complex that it almost requires an advanced degree in mechanical engineering to make it all work!  Truth be told, we love it all.  It is a great joy to see the kids do well in activities they love.  Someone asked me the other day at John Paul's football practice, "Tired of this yet?"  and I honestly answered to her surprise,  "No way, man!  Can't wait for the first game!" 

BUT, moderation in all things.  Our kids would love to enroll in everything, and as their mom, I'd love for them to try.  So at the start of every school year we ask ourselves, “Have we taken on too much? Are our kids involved in too many activities?  Should we cut out something?”  As we discern these questions yet once again, we’d like to share with you some of the guidelines we consider in our household…

Are the children thriving?

First we look at each child and discuss how he or she is doing.   Are they happy?  Are their attitudes positive and cheerful?   Are they juggling their activities successfully and keeping up with school work?  Do they have healthy friendships that build them up?  If the answers are yes, these are all good signs.  Can they play independently, or do they look to you for constant entertainment?  Are they exhausted?  Do they mope around the house?  Are they so busy that they can’t keep up with regular chores and homework?  These could be warning signs.

Do the kids have enough free time?

For the younger set:  when’s the last time your children came home good and dirty, covered from head to toe?  Kids need time to be kids.  They should have some unstructured time to allow their imaginations and independence to flourish.  Hyper-scheduling so they are on the go from one activity to the next turns childhood into a job and risks burning them out on the activities they once loved.  It may also pigeonhole them too early in certain skills.  Free time allows them to discover a wider array of interests and talents they may not have known they had.  Make sure their extracurriculars aren’t preventing them from running around the neighborhood with friends, digging in the dirt, reading their favorite new series, or shooting baskets in the driveway.

Are the children able to spend time with the rest of the family?

Don’t let activities be so all-consuming that you have no family togetherness at home.   Sure, sometimes we tell ourselves that time spent at Bobby’s soccer games IS family time since we are all there together, but let’s be realistic:  Bobby is playing soccer, Mom and Dad are chatting with friends on the sideline, and little Susie and Timmy have run off to the playground because the game doesn’t hold their attention.  That alone is not sufficient family time; family time means Interacting,  doing something together,  like sharing a meal and conversation or playing a game.  We all know how crucial dinnertime is – make sure the activities don’t prevent your family from ever sitting down to eat together.  Of course some days are extra crazy, and there may be special events that prevent a sedate family meal, but the norm should be dinner together, even if it means eating earlier or later to accommodate schedules.  (Dinner at 7:30 or later is pretty common in our household during football season.)

Are you and your spouse able to spend time together?

Don’t forget about your own marriage in the midst of all the madness!  There have been days where Caroline comes screeching up to a choir concert with a ballerina in tow, while Tom zooms in with the other car, loaded with a quarterback and a sleepy four-year-old … we look at each other and say, “Oh hello!  Nice to see you!”  We know too much is happening when we can never attend an event in one car!  Make a conscious effort to carve out special time with your spouse, even if it’s just snuggling on the couch with coffee and your favorite TV show.    If this is impossible, something must change in your schedules.   It is OK to say no.  Our kids do not have to play every sport, audition for every play, join every club, attend every party. 

Remember:  Just because an activity is a great opportunity for your child doesn’t mean you have to sign him or her up -- great opportunities will certainly come along again.